Childhood, Part 1: Big Bad Beetleborgs

There was a period of time in my life, approximately 1993-1996, where I would watch anything that looked remotely like Power Rangers. I don't know who's fault this was. I blame the kids I used to hang out with.

Anyways... Beetleborgs. My memories of this show remained in the back of my mind with all the other suppressed childhood memories of mine, until someone this year brought it up to me. Then, the nostalgia hit me like a ton of bricks. Holy shit! Beetleborgs! What a fucking awesome show! Then I go to Youtube, my inner five year-old as excited as can be, but only to realize that I am no longer in kindergarden, and Beetleborgs is a terrible show.

Beetleborgs is basically an Americanization of the Japanese Tokusatsu (think Power Rangers and Kamen Rider) series called Juukou B-Fighter. Unlike Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, the plot of the Americanized version is completely different.

The plot of Beetleborgs centers around three comic book loving kids who visit a haunted mansion upon the dare of two stereotypical rich, snobby kids. They somehow manage to free a ghost named "Flabber" (who looks like the lovechild of the '60s Joker and Jay Leno, and acts like an inferior version of Jim Carrey in The Mask), who grants their wish of becoming their favorite comic book heroes, the Beetleborgs. Yes, seriously (the theme song explains it all, and everything!).

As I have mentioned, Youtube does indeed have episodes (they are all probably on there... but I don't know who would be compelled enough to watch them all). Here is the first episode (you have been warned):



So, yeah, this show manages to be more ridiculous than Power Rangers and possibly even Superhuman Samurai Syber-Squad. However, I personally think that Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills has them all beat. At least as far as titles go.

Oops

Yeah, forgot about this. WAY TO GO, I SAW THIS COMING FROM A MILE AWAY. I'll try to review something soon and upload it here. Sorry, guys.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

The 2009 sequel to the 2007 film just simply titled, Transformers, certainly is an... interesting film, to say the least. Let me just get this clear; Michael Bay could not direct traffic, and I do mean this in the most sincere way possible. This movie contains even more over-the-top action, obscene jokes, and general mindfuckery than the previous movie. The plot is a bit vague and mediocre at best, but that's to be expected from Bay and a movie about giant robots beating the shit out of each other and that whore Megan Fox.

The movie starts off as such - thousands of years before Optimus Prime and co. had arrived on Earth, a race of ancient Transformers known as "the Dynasty of Primes" traveled the galaxy looking for sources of Energon. They used something called a "Solar Harvester" to drain stars of their energy and convert it to Energon to power Cybertron's AllSpark (their life energy), when the AllSpark is low on energy. All of the Primes agreed to spare life-bearing planets except for one, known as The Fallen, who constructs a Solar Harvester on Earth in the year 17,000 BC. The other Primes sacrifice themselves to hide the "Matrix of Leadership" from The Fallen, which is what is needed to power the Solar Harvester, in a tomb made from their own bodies.

Lost yet?

Anyways, the next part of the movie takes place two years after the final battle in the city between the Autobots and the Decepticons in the last movie. The Autobots have teamed up with the US Military to create a defence force against the Decepticons called "NEST". The government tries to keep the existance of the Transformers a secret (despite the fact that the Transformers fought out in the open in a populated city in the last movie).

Already we are greeted with a full-scale battle. NEST and the Autobots are tracking down Decepticon signatures. They pick up the signature of Demolishor, a Decepticon excavator, and a battle is underway.

Upon being discovered, Demolishor begins his attack, basically destroying anything in his path. Another Decepticon signature is detected, this time belonging to a Decepticon car called Sideways, who attempts to flee. Sideways is pursued by three motorcycle components called Arcee, two robots named Skids and Mudflap disguised as a beat-up looking ice cream truck, and Sideswipe, a sleek-looking car. Eventually, Sideswipe transforms and slices Sideways in half through the middle, in a vibrant display of badassery.

Optimus Prime is airlifted to the scene, and with Ironhide, pursues Demolishor. Optimus proceeded to beat the shit out of Demolishor, who, with his last dying "breath" stated that "The Fallen shall rise again," before being executed by Optimus.

Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky is preparing to leave for college (note his poster of The Smiths, which I did not expect. At all). He discovers a shard of the AllSpark, which burns through his floor and lands in the kitchen, which brings various household appliances to life, that proceed to chase him out of the house. Bumblebee appears out of the garage and destroys the rouge robots (as well as part of the house). Sam gives the AllSpark, concealed in a container, to his girlfriend Mikaela, and explains to Bumblebee that he cannot bring Bumblebee to college with him, since he's... apparently not allowed to bring a car, or something. Bumblebee of course responds dramatically.



Sam arrives at college and meets his roomate Leo Spitz, who's rather a nut, and opporates a conspiracy website entitled The Real Effing Deal. However, Sam's mother manages to get ahold of pot brownies, which she of course eats, and proceeds to covort around until Sam's father drags her away. How awkward.

Later that night, Sam goes to a frat party (in the background, The Used's cover of the Talking Heads' "Burning Down the House" can be heard, which honestly made me rage more than anything else in the movie) and is hit on by a vapid whore named Alice. Sam runs outside, to find Bumblebee waiting for him. Alice forces herself into the car, but Bumblebee manages to wreak enough havoc on her to get her to leave. Bumblebee takes Sam to see Optimus Prime, who explains to Sam how he feels that he might be in danger. Sam denies this.

Meanwhile, back at the NEST base, National Security Adviser Theodore Galloway visits and claims that the only reason that Decepticons are appearing on Earth is because of the Autobots' presence. He suggests that they leave the planet, which Optimus agrees to, but also brings up the question, "what if you're wrong?" Galloway continues to babble, eventually revealing the location of the remaining fragment of the AllSpark (to their knowledge), which is intercepted by Soundwave, a Decepticon orbiting the Earth disguised as a satellite (he's voiced by Frank Welker, but he uses his Dr. Claw voice). Soundwave dispatches Ravage, a Decepticon resembling a large cat, to retrive the AllSpark fragment.

Ravage, as well as several Constructicons, dive into the Laurentian Abyss, which is where the US government dumped all traces of Megatron in the previous movie. Using the fragment and parts "willingly donated" by one of the Constructicons, a small robot known as "the Doctor" (not the Doctor you all are probably thinking about) is able to reconstruct Megatron, making him more powerful than he ever was before.

Megatron then travels to one of Saturn's moons, where the wreckage of the Decepticon ship, "Nemesis" is being used as a base by the Decepticons. He bickers with Starscream (which I throughly enjoyed, trust me) and converses with The Fallen.

Just to break away from the plot synopsis just a bit, one of the things that irks me in this movie is how they made the relationship between Megatron and "his overlord", The Fallen, similar to the relationship between Darth Vader and Palpatine in Star Wars. In the original 1986 Transformers Movie, Megatron/Galvatron tries at every chance he gets to decieve Unicron. I don't feel like getting too much into that, but basically, the Megatron in Bay's movies is completely unlike G1 Megatron, but whatever, we all kind of knew that.

Anyways... meanwhile, Sam is seeing strange symbols and is writing them all over the place. He concludes that this has something to do with his contact with the AllSpark shard at the beginning of the movie, and warns Mikaela over the phone not to touch it. During the phonecall, a Decepticon called Wheelie, disguised as a remote-controlled car and is basically a mixture of Johnny-5 and Wall-E with a vulgar tounge, attempts to open the safe containing the shard, but is stopped by Mikaela, who burns one of his eyes with a blowtorch and shoves him in a locked box.

Mikaela arrives, with Wheelie in a box, to Sam's college, only to find Sam with Alice on top of him. Comes to find out, Alice is a Decepticon disguised as a human (a "Pretender"). Alice chases Sam, Mikaela, and Leo, who attempt a getaway in a car that Mikaela hotwires. Mikaela rams Alice into a lightpost, killing her. However, Starscream captures them, and brings them where Megatron awaits them.

Megatron pins down Sam and orders the Doctor to remove Sam's brain so they can examine it and access the information from the AllSpark shard. Before they can do so, Optimus and Bumblebee break in. Mikaela and Leo flee with Bumblebee, but in order for Sam to be able to flee safely, Optimus has to fight not only Megatron, but also Starscream as well as a newcomer, Grindor (who happens to resemble a certain helicoptor from the first movie, but that totally isn't him, nope, not at all!).

Optimus manages to sever one of Starscream's arms and kill Grindor (he smashes his head like a fucking pumpkin, and it's awesome), but Megatron delivers a fatal blow with his blade-arm, and we are once again faced with one of the many "deaths of Optimus Prime". The rest of the Autobots appear, and cause Megatron and Starscream to retreat as Sam flees with Mikaela, Leo, Bumblebee and followed by Skids and Mudflap (who by now, have scanned their own alt. modes, and no longer combine into an ice cream truck).

Megatron and Starscream flee on top of skyscrapers, where they bicker some more and prepare a world-wide signal hijack. The Fallen airs a hijacked broadcast where he reveals himself to the world and demands Sam surrendered to him. Meanwhile, Decepticons attack all over the globe, and one of them locates and kidnaps Sam's parents, who are on vacation in Paris.

Sam, Mikaela, and Leo are hiding out with Bumblebee, Skids, and Mudflap. We're then introduced more to "the Twins". Just a fair warning, from this point on, we're going to see a lot of the Twins. The Twins are actually both accused of being racial stereotypes. One even has a gold tooth. We'll let you be the judge (though, I will admit that I actually knew people who acted like these two way back in middle school).

Leo suggests that their only option is to seek "Robo-Warrior", who runs a rival website called GiantEffingRobots.com. Robo-Warrior turns out to be none other than Seymour Simmons, also known as that douchebag Sector Seven agent from the last movie. Simmons is found working in a deli, since he was left unemployed when Sector Seven was disbanded. Simmons is reluctant to assist the three, but eventually agrees, showing them his "secret room" which is located under a meat locker (Swine Flu jokes, ahoy).

It is revealed that the symbols, aka "Cyberglyphics", that Sam was hallucinating and writing all over the place, can be found on various locations all over the globe. Mikaela forces Wheelie to read the symbols, and tells them the location of old robots known as "the Seekers", who came to Earth years ago searching for something.

Sam and co. make it to the Smithsonian, which is the nearest location of a Seeker. After having to see his... er... bulge, Simmons comes up with a plan which basically consists of him and Leo tasering the guards. Leo manages to accidently taser himself. Anyways, they manage to find the Seeker, Jetfire, who is disguised as an SR-71 Blackbird jet. The AllSpark shard manages to awake him, and everyone is shocked to find out that he bears a Decepticon emblem. However, Jetfire claims that he switched sides a while ago.

Let me just clarify - Jetfire is awesome. He is easily one of the best characters in the whole damn movie. He's a crotchy old bot with a goddamn walking stick. A robot with a walking stick. It doesn't get much better than that, folks.

Jetfire explains the backstory of The Fallen and the original Primes, and how The Fallen plans to destory the Earth's sun for energy. The reasons why the Decepticons want Sam's brain so much is because the symbols he sees are actually a map that leads to the Solar Harvester. Jetfire also says that only a Prime can defeat The Fallen, and that the Matrix of Leadership is needed to activate the Harvester, as well as possibly be able to revive Optimus.

Jetfire opens a "space bridge" and teleports them all to Egypt. They find a clue between the Pyramids of Giza, that the Tomb of the Primes is located in Jordan. They make their way to Jordan, while on the way, Simmons calls and instructs Lennox (one of the members of NEST and military personell from the first movie) to bring NEST and the body of Optimus, to Egypt.

Skids and Mudflap start bickering, and manage to crack open a wall, which conseals the Tomb of the Primes. The Matrix is located, however, it crumbles to dust in Sam's hands. Sam gathers the dust and returns to Egypt, where NEST is waiting, and as we are about to witness an almost endless bout of FIRING IN THE SAND.

The Decepticons begin their attack, and at the same time, try to intercept Sam. Some of the Constructicons combine to form the collossal Devastator, whom Skids and Mudflap try to slow down. Devastator sucks up sand and Mudflap, who manages to free himself from his throat.



The Decepticons use Sam's parents to lure him into a trap, which they are successful at doing. He manages to stall enough time for Bumblebee to appear out of ambush and attack and destory not only Rampage, but Ravage as well (who he basically disembowels, wow). Sam orders Bumblebee to get his parents to safety as he and Mikaela attempt to make their way to Optimus' body.

Devastator begins to climb one of the pyramids and tear it apart, as Simmons follows. We then get to see Devastator's imfamous... robot (wrecking) balls (smooth one, Bay). Simmons manages to contact a Navy ship and orders them to use a top-secret railgun (which surprisingly works). They fire the railgun at Devastator, which kills him.

Megatron flies over and fires a shot at Sam, which mortally wounds him. As he lays there and paramedics attempt to revive him, Sam seriously, not joking, goes to "Robot Heaven", where the original Primes explain to him that it is his "destiny" to find the Matrix and revive the last Prime to defeat The Fallen. Not kidding here. Robot Heaven.

Sam awakens and proceeds to use the Matrix, which reformed, to revive Optimus. The Fallen teleports over, steals the Matrix, and uses it to power the Harvester. Jetfire appears and manages to kill one of the Decepticons, Mixmaster, but is fatally wounded by Skorponok, who appears out of nowhere ( a "REMEMBER ME? BITCH!" sort of scenario) from the sand. Jetfire, before ripping out his Spark, instructs Optimus to use his own remains as battle armor to fight The Fallen. Ratchet and Jolt (who decided to appear out of nowhere) assist in turning his remains into battle armor for Optimus.

In an anti-climactic chain of events, Optimus manages to beat the living shit out of The Fallen, and rip off his face ("GIVE ME YOUR FACE!"), and crush his spark core as a severely injured Megatron looks on in horror. Starscream then appears to suggest to Megatron that they do what he does best, cower away and flee.

After winning the long, repetitive battle, NEST, Sam and co. return to the US. Sam and Leo resume attending college.

Overview: This is really not excellent, award-winning material here (well, maybe besides special effects), but it's still possible to enjoy this movie. Just don't look too much into it, and plan to come in expecting giant robots beating the shit out of each other, because that's what you'll get. My only complains are the length (it could have been shortened, to be honest), the overuse of "frat jokes" (that was kind of expected, but this movie has much more than the previous movie), and the abysmal soundtrack (then again, what do you expect from Bay? "Radiohead for Transformers 3?" Wait, that'd actually be pretty hilarious).

So yeah, why did I bother to make this?

I've been planning on making a blog to post reviews of movies, TV shows, cartoons, video games, basically anything, for a while, but never got around to doing so until now. Expect something up here soon, I guess.